If you’ve been following my blog, you know that I am in the middle of a journey to heal my chakras. Last week I started healing my second chakra and hoped to be onto my third chakra by now. Best laid plans and all that…
A few hours after writing my second chakra post, I was in the middle of a meeting with a magazine editor, when the editor’s friend Lori popped in to say hi. After introductions were made, Lori saw my crutches and asked me what was wrong. I told her that I had broken my heel. Instead of the typical, “How did you do that?” question that usually follows my heel breaking proclamation, she asked me, “Why did you do that?”
I was stumped. What did she mean Why did I break my heel? It’s not like it was intentional. She peered at me, waiting for my answer. The editor I was there to see explained to me, “Lori’s an intuitive.”
Lori asked again, “Why did you break your heel?”
It took me a few days to come up with an answer. (And no, I never saw her again, so I didn’t get a chance to explain my why to her. But that’s not the point, is it?)
To make a long story short, as you may know, I first broke my heel over a year ago. After months of slow healing and mulling the “why” over, I thought it was a sign that I was following the wrong path (see my About page for more on that).
Yet, I have changed what I thought the Universe was asking me to change and here I am in the exact same place I was a year ago. Frustrated, I began journaling and soul searching for the answer to my “why” and this is what I came up with: Yes, I changed the topic of the book I was writing, I started a new business to fulfill my soul’s purpose, I met the ‘right’ people and did the ‘right’ things, but I was still operating under the old model – one that no longer works for me.
When I received my Rude Awakening back in April, the message centered around the fact that I had been suppressing my feminine side – my intuitive nature – for too long. It was time to stop being so logical and ‘masculine’ and reconnect with the feminine essence. Although I starting writing about intuition and getting in touch with the feminine, I was doing it in a masculine way. I was still planning and organizing and crossing all of my I’s and dotting all of my T’s rather than letting it flow. Yes, the writing flowed from me like water, but my life did not. In other words, I haven’t been taking my own advice! I have become skilled at telling you how to connect with your intuition, but have I been doing what I advise you to do? In a nutshell, no.
My re-broken heel is letting me know that writing about using your intuition isn’t enough. You have to actually use that intuition on a daily basis! This reminds me of a recent lecture by Shiloh Sophia McCloud. She explained that while women are perfectly capable of acting in logical, ‘masculine’ ways, to the extent that counteracts the woman’s own nature, she will burn out pretty quickly. Or, in my case, keep breaking my heel.
In the past week, I have found myself in numerous conversations with my fellow female academicians about this imbalance of masculine and feminine energy. Academia, as is much of corporate America, is very masculine dominant – not just in the people in the field, but in the energy you need to ‘succeed’ in the field. I am fortunate enough to be on sabbatical this semester, giving me the opportunity to explore this issue, heal my chakras, and my heel while I write my books. But a friend and fellow academic recently asked me, “What are you going to do when you have to go back to teaching in January?” I honestly don’t know and the question itself frightens me.
I know me and I know how easily I can get sucked into doing instead of being, striving instead of living. And if I find myself struggling to balance my masculine and feminine now – at a time when I am relatively free to spend my time as I choose and work on projects I want to work on – what will happen when the masculine pressure is back in full force next year?
This brings me back to Shiloh’s talk. I think what Shiloh was trying to say was this:
we have a choice in much more of our lives than we think.
Yes, academia is a very masculine world, but is that in part because I expect it to be and answer the call on that level? Why can’t I change that – at least for me? Why can’t I go back to that world still choosing to make decisions that are in line with my intuition?
Of course that means that in the meantime, I need to figure out how to do that from where I am right now. I am still painting (see above for my 2nd chakra rendition). I am trying to find balance – a way to honor my obligations while still living as much of the time as I can by my intuition. Lest I fall back into my old way of thinking, I plugged a daily reminder into my iPhone that says, “Why did you break your heel?”
Because sometimes the Why really is more important than the How.