It was the summer of 2012. I had just gone through my third round of in vitro fertility treatments in an effort to give my husband the child he always wanted. I knew it was only a futile attempt to save our failing marriage, but for the 20+ years we'd been together, I thought I was broken. That my infertility was my fault. That if I just wanted him more, we had a child, I was a better wife, then we'd be happy, that I'd finally have the life of my dreams, the ‘perfect marriage' all of our friends were convinced we had.
I felt like a fraud. I had worked so hard to ‘have it all' – the husband, the career, the life of my dreams – and I felt like I had nothing to show for it. I was childless; my marriage was over. What's worse? I truly believed it was my fault. I was broken, you see.
So I tried harder. I went back to school to become a holistic health coach, I took on more consulting work, thinking that if I could just make more money (my husband didn't work), that I would finally be good enough. That I could afford to adopt – to ‘buy' him the child he wanted. But he didn't want to adopt and he grew more resentful of the time I spent away from home.
In a last ditch effort to save our marriage, I went to see a sex therapist – maybe she could fix me – my infertility, my low libido. At our first session, she laughed.
You don't want to have sex with your husband because there's no intimacy there – he's not meeting your needs and it sounds like he never has.'
Then she did an absolutely beautiful thing – she gave me permission. Permission to end my marriage, to walk away from the years of verbal and emotional abuse. Permission to not wear the I'm broken/victim hat anymore. Permission to be me.
It was like a light bulb went off in my head. I realized that all the things I had believed about my marriage, my life, myself were lies. And as I began to shed the false masks, I began to reexamine the false beliefs, and I began to believe her.
Do you feel like you're broken? That if you could just [fill in the blank – be better, do more, be more, change something about yourself to please someone else], life would be grand?
Here's the thing. It won't be better because there's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing to fix. I know that might sound unbelievable right now, but trust me: I have walked this path, I have felt your pain, I have picked up the broken pieces of my life, put myself back together, and I have healed.
In the video below, I explain the steps I followed to go from that broken girl I thought I was to the Goddess I know I am now. Was it easy? Not always. There were times I fell of the wagon, so to speak. Is it doable? Absolutely.
I invite you to join us for our free call series this month so you can fully and finally heal your perfectionism, release your “not enoughness” issues and Activate the Goddess I know you are! Go here to sign up:http://www.drmarypritchard.com/activate/