But My Feelings Were Silent Inside, You See

Young woman showing quiet handsignLast week we talked about intimacy (Into Me You See) and how intimacy is not sex, not love. It is its own construct. Yet, it is more than just seeing into another person. It is hearing and listening to them. It’s feeling like you can speak your truth and not be judged. Like you can speak your mind and hold nothing back out of fear.

I was a guest on The Rebooted Body this morning and the host Kevin and I were talking about how adults born in our generation, most especially women, were taught that children should be seen, not heard. That their voice didn’t matter. And many of us kept this way of thinking as we grew up. Feelings should be suppressed, especially the negative ones. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. But what if we were hurt by an interaction? Were we not supposed to speak up about our pain? Were we to remain there hurt, silent, and go on with our lives as though nothing had happened? For many of us, yes. That’s exactly what we believed.

When I was married, my ex-husband never asked about my day. He didn’t want to hear about it – he actually told me that on more than one occasion. He felt free to tell me in excruciating detail about his day, mind you, but he didn’t want to hear about mine. Apparently wives should be seen, not heard as well.

And so I kept it all in. My feelings were silent inside, you see.

But they weren’t, not really. When your feelings are forced down, suppressed, they are still there. And they are in no way silent. On the outside you may present a calm front, the eye of the storm; but on the inside, a war is raging. A war of anger, fear, contempt, resentment. Your feelings wanting to get out, wanting to be heard. But I wouldn’t let them.

My feelings were silent inside, you see.

Until one day when I could hold it in no longer. One day when I realized my Inner Goddess was going to be heard, no matter what. That was when my life turned upside down, felt apart, shattered.

But I came out of it, voice intact, a much stronger woman than I was before. Is the programming of “seen not heard” gone? No. The Universe frequently gets its jollies by putting men in my path who love nothing more than the sound of their own voice. Men who never once ask about my day. The difference is, those men are no longer welcome in my life.

My feelings are no longer silent inside, you see.

And I have found that when you say what you feel, sometimes that upsets certain people – especially the ones who like to talk about themselves incessantly. Their voice is threatened, apparently, by someone else speaking. But those are not the type of people I want in my life anyway. So good riddance, I say.

My feelings are no longer silent inside, you see.

As a woman, I know I have struggled with self-expression. Feeling like it is okay to share my feelings. To let people know when they’ve hurt me. To listen to my own voice and trust it. If you suffer from this as well, I encourage you to listen to my free audio: Self-Love: The Art of Self-Expression (How to Say What You Mean without Fear of Rejection).

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