authenticity

Finding Your Passion and Purpose

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I recently surveyed my Facebook group and email list and asked them what they were struggling most with. The number one answer was finding their passion and purpose. It’s a big question; one that stumps many of us for a few reasons:

  1.  We are often told in childhood what other people think our purpose should be and we head off down a path that may not be our true purpose – for example, my father wanted me to be a judge, so I did a brief stint in law school while I was working on my PhD (I quickly decided law school was not for me). My mother, on the other hand, wanted me to be an artist. I ended up being a Psychologist, which surprised both of my parents!
  2. We often face societal expectations about what is or is not appropriate for us based on our gender, race, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, or other labeling – For example, I learned that women should be pretty, know how to waltz, host a dinner party, and raise the kids. I also was told that, as a post-sexual revolution woman, I could do anything I set my mind to as long as I worked hard enough for it. I know a number of women who were raised with these dual expectations (you can be a great mother and a great President and do it all with a smile!). Unfortunately, I think these dual expectations led to a generation of women who felt “not enough” if they couldn’t manage to do it all (and who can really do it “all”, let alone do it all “perfectly” anyway?). In my 20s and 30s, I had the success at work part down, but often felt “not enough” when people learned that I didn’t have children and, in fact, couldn’t have them. It was though I felt I had to work harder to make up for my infertility (it makes no sense on the surface, but, subconsciously, that’s exactly what I did – pushed myself at work harder and harder until I dropped.)
  3. We think that once we find our true Purpose and live it, we’re done and everything will always work out as we want it to. – I firmly believe that we all have a Purpose, one thing that we were meant to do. However, I don’t believe that: 1) our destiny is set in stone, or 2) our Purpose won’t ever shift. We are not static be-ings, and life isn’t perfect. I think if we set up expectations on the notion that once we find our true Purpose, we will never have another problem, then we are setting ourselves up for failure. That might seem harsh, but hear me out. I see too many women (and men) who are searching for that one thing that is going to make them happy/ successful/ rich/ finally feel like they have “arrived.” They invest so much time and money into programs/ certifications/ advice from gurus hoping someone will tell them what to do and that this program/ certificate/ advice will be the one key that will unlock their door to happiness/ success/ wealth/ etc. I’m not saying that there aren’t some great programs out there and great coaches  (I, for one, love coaching my clients!). There absolutely are and maybe you do need help to get to where you want to go. But here’s the deal: it has to be where YOU want to go, not where someone else told you that you need to go to “make it.” If you follow in someone else’s footsteps and use their “formula for success/happiness/wealth/etc.”, don’t be surprised if it doesn’t work out the way you hoped it would for you. Why? Because it has to feel like you; it has to resonate with you; it has to be in alignment with your Purpose, not theirs. If it does, awesome. Go for it! But if it doesn’t, maybe you should spend some time checking in with you on what you really want (more on this in the last paragraph)…

I think Meagan Ruppert put it best when she said: 

Translation: I can’t tell you what your true purpose is, but you can. You asked for my help in finding your passion and purpose, in knowing what is truly in alignment with your Soul's calling, and I will help you. I invite you to join my Facebook group and take my 5-Day Explore Your Passion and Purpose challenge. This is 5 days of reflection prompts, Facebook lives, and support from your Sisters on your path. Will we solve the world’s problems in 5 days? Probably not. But, you will likely gain more clarity on what it is that you are meant to do right here and right now. You’ll have my support and the support of your Sisters in finding what it is you need to make your goals happen. Then, I encourage you to re-do this challenge at least once a year, if not once a quarter, because, life happens, circumstances change, and as you evolve and grow, your Passion and Purpose usually grow with you. You can do this. We are here to help. Join us for the 5-Day Explore Your Passion and Purpose Challenge here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TheWellNourishedGoddess/

I Am So Much More Than Enough

By | Goddess Wisdom, Wisdom Blog | 5 Comments

Buntes Supernova HerzI'm getting tired of the word “enough.” I'm pretty enough. I have enough. I do enough. I am enough. It's not that those things aren’t true, it's that the word “enough” still feels at the surface like something is lacking; like you have the bare minimum you need to get by. Just enough.

In fact, when you look up definitions and synonyms of the word “enough,” you get the word “adequate.” I guess that's the real problem: I'm tired of feeling adequate. I want to be more than adequate.

“Tired of trying to cram her sparkly star-shaped self into society’s beige square holes, she chose to embrace her ridiculous awesomeness and shine like the freaking supernova she is.”- Unknown

Yes, that’s it exactly. I lived most of my life feeling like I wasn’t good enough. Then several years ago I was journaling and I wrote the statement “I am enough” in my journal. Immediately the little voice inside my head (my inner critic) said, “No you aren’t. You’re broken and need fixing.” That day changed my life because I decided to confront my inner critic and figure out why she believed what she believed.

Although it may sound simple, it wasn’t. That day I embarked on a journey. I spent the next few years healing my “enoughness” issues, trying to convince myself that I was, in fact, enough. After all, at that point in my life, any day I felt like I was “enough” was a success. And maybe that’s where you are right now. If so, that’s awesome. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with that. After all, you have to feel like you are good enough before you can feel like a freaking supernova!

But what I’ve come to realize on my 2-month long retreat this summer is that

Granted this statement is the very statement that started the ball rolling for me, the statement that made me the woman I am today. That simple little statement, “I am enough,” made me confront my inner meal girl and challenge my long-held beliefs. For that, I am forever grateful. But, I feel like I’m now evolving into a new version of me.

I had a conversation with a good friend of mine a few weeks ago about labels and roles. We work so hard to get to a certain place in our lives, and sometimes once we arrive, it can feel stifling. For example, I’ve spent the past 20 years of my life conducting research on and teaching about body image and eating disorders. I am a Body Love expert. It’s what I do and I’m good at it. However, that doesn’t mean that is all I do. I also teach about self-love, self-trust, and self-care. I teach women how to become their own best friend instead of their own worst enemy. How to forgive themselves and others for past mis-takes. How to be Goddesses and Queens of their own lives. How to tune into the Wheel of the Year, the moon’s phases, and their body’s and the Earth’s cycles and rhythms. Am I a Body Love expert? Can I help you heal your Body Shame? Absolutely. But to say that I am a Body Love expert sometimes feels like saying “I am enough” because I am so much more than a Body Love expert. I am so much more than enough.

I fully admit that I am not 100% sure what is unfolding for me. At the beginning of the summer, I had a long talk with a Spiritual mentor and friend. I told her about my frustrations, that I felt like my “enoughness,” my current roles and labels were somehow limiting me. She told me, “I want you to put an empty cup on your altar, to represent that you are open to receiving what is next for you.” And so I did. Two months later, it still sits empty on my bedroom altar. I am beginning to get an inkling of what this unfolding will look like, but I also know that it’s not quite ready to birth itself yet.

So I’m waiting. I’m journaling, processing, allowing whatever wants to unfold to do so in its own time. This hasn’t been an easy process, mind you – I am still a recovering Type A control freak, so all of this uncertainty has been unsettling to say the least! But this has been a lesson in patience as much as it has been a lesson in breaking free of my own limiting beliefs.

What I do know is this: whatever is coming is going to be big. Life changing. It’s going to break me out of my rut. That’s both exciting and scary at the same time. But that’s okay. I’m allowing myself this summer retreat time to introspect, to incubate, to unbecome what no longer serves so I can become who I am meant to be. After all, I’ve got a ridiculously awesome shiny freaking supernova inside of me. And so do you.

This no so little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine…

How Are You Holding Yourself Back?

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Young woman exhausted after running on a cold winter day in the track of an urban park.

Two eclipses, a double full moon in Sagittarius, 5 planets in retrograde. I never paid that much attention to planetary alignments before, but 2016 has been a wild ride and I wanted some sort of explanation for everything I and my clients have been experiencing so I started paying attention. Apparently all of that retrograde energy served to highlight for us all the things from our past we need to heal – all those unresolved memories of words left unsaid, actions left undone, things we did but wished we hadn’t.

It’s too easy to get caught up in all that sea of unresolved issues. I think Jo MacDonald said it best when she advised,

“When you find yourself flicking through your own memories, remember that they are all a part of the journey, they are all an opportunity for us to grow and learn, to ask ourselves ‘What am I telling myself about that experience? How can I develop a more empowering mindset around that story?' Instead of getting caught up in nostalgia we can use this experience to move forwards and keep creating a life we love. – Jo MacDonald

That’s similar to the advice I give myself and my clients all the time. I truly believe that everything – the good, the bad, and the ugly – happens for a reason. Life happens for us, not to us. It’s not our job to question why something happened. It’s our job to figure out what lesson we need to learn from it; what remains unresolved. Not so we can judge or criticize ourselves, but so we can learn from it, heal, and move on.

“There's something you believe about yourself that makes you hold back … We have these stories that we tell, these labels we apply… When we're around people, we're not being ourselves because we're being protective. But sometimes in our self-protection, we block out the very thing that we want so much. – Brendan Burchard

I’ve been on retreat mode since the Summer Solstice (Winter Solstice for those of you in the Southern Hemisphere). I’ve been journaling, painting and reflecting on what I want to leave behind and what I want to carry forward as I begin the second half of 2016.

I was listening to a session of Woman Unleashed 4 with Shiloh Sophia McCloud and Amber Kuileimailani Bonnici. In it, Shiloh was talking about a recent revelation she had – that she didn’t have to play by someone else’s rules.

“I am releasing layers of who I'm supposed to be – titles, roles. I'm untying each one of these threads one by one and resetting them. I'm giving myself permission not to do those anymore if they don't feel good for me. I'm retying those threads of my life, those things that are natural and true for me and make me thrive. I choose how I am woven.”

I pondered what she said and was reminded of the ‘aha’ moment I experienced in April in 2013 when I realized I was living someone else’s life. I too went about a long, arduous process of releasing threads that no longer served, yet tied me down. In the 6 months following that awakening experience, I would move, get a divorce, turn 40 and break my heel for the second time in year, but through it all I knew something to the depths of my core: I was making the right choice for me, the only one I could have made in that moment.

If 2016 has been a struggle for you, I give you the following advice: go where your excitement/passion/fire is.

As Shiloh Sophia said in her session, “When you are on your path, following your edge, obstacles are opportunities for growth. When you are not on your path, obstacles are a call to stop, go back, regroup.”

While you’re at it, decide what threads you want to pick up and move forward with for the remainder of 2016. Write your manifesta, your representation of how you want to live your life from this moment forward.

I stand in my truth and walk in my power. My strength lies in my purple curlicue sideways way of looking at things. I let my intuition – the wild passionate fire from the depths of my soul – guide my decisions. I choose my destiny to help women take a stand for themselves, to love honor and respect themselves as the passionate, beautiful Goddesses they are.

The Warrior Queen

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The Goddess

“To my sweet wild woman, I know why it hasn’t worked out with anyone else — you don’t need a man, but a goddamn warrior. ~ Kate Rose”

Last week I read an article on Elephant Journal that got me thinking. On the one hand, I agreed completely with everything Kate Rose said in her piece. Yes, I want a man who sees me for who I am – my strengths, my weakness, my pain, my struggles, my fierceness. Yes, I will only accept a man in my life who matches my fire with his own.

“You can’t be anything other than what you are—and that’s okay. You are just as you are supposed to be, magnificently wild in all of your chaotic beauty.” ~ Kate Rose

Yes, I want a man who honors my wildness, accepts and appreciates me and doesn’t try to “tame” me (nor I him). Yes, I hold out hope that he is out there and is on his way to me.

Yet, Kate Rose made a very valid point that I think got lost in the midst of the what-I-need-in-a-man laundry list: “It takes a goddess to show a warrior what real love is.”

And that’s my point.

I can’t expect to do what I’ve always done and get different results. It doesn’t work that way.

I know I’ve made mistakes in past relationships and I completely own them: I’ve competed with men, berated them, emasculated them, suppressed them, and tried to change them. Is it any wonder I’ve gotten back what I put out?

I know that this warrior of mine is out there, but I also know I must be ready for him. I must be that fierce, strong, wild woman he is looking for. One who stands in her power instead of kowtowing to his. One who speaks her truth instead of saying what she thinks he wants to hear. One who owns her own wildness instead of trying to hide it behind a façade of professor/wife/mother/entrepreneur/good girl. A queen, sovereign in her own right, who rules with kindness, honesty and integrity instead of criticism and judgement – of herself and her man.

To allow this Warrior King into your life? Are you ready to be the woman you’ve always wanted to be and let him be the man he truly is? Are you ready to let your fierceness show? Your cunning? Your creativity? Are you ready to come out of hiding? To let the world know that you have arrived – perfectly imperfect just as you are? Are you ready to talk the talk and walk the walk? To take your own advice? Are you ready to proclaim to all who will listen: I am a Goddess and Warrior Queen!

I am.

I hope you’ll join me.

A Love Letter to Myself

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Portrait of romantic young woman writing in a diary lying down over the grass. Relax outdoor time concept.

Dear Mary,

 

Sometimes you don’t know who you are until you lose who you are. And I did – with my ex-husband Jeff, with my ex-boyfriend Rio. I think I might have caught a glimpse of myself when I was 40 – just a brief one – in between healing from my divorce and running into the arms of another man that I hoped could fix me – and do a better job than my ex had ever done at it.

Of course that notion was fundamentally flawed – you cannot fix what was never broken to begin with.  But I didn’t get that – not for a while. I thought I needed a man – to fix me, to ‘complete’ me. I’m not sure where I got this idea – maybe from all of those fairy tales I read as a child. And so a few months after my divorce, I started looking. I assured my friends, my therapist, myself that I wasn’t looking. That I was taking much needed time to heal, to be. That the men I was talking to were just for fun – that nothing was serious. That was why none of them lived in my town – I could flirt without the vulnerability of getting my heart broken. Of course, it didn’t work. Not truly. Because I was lying to myself; I was still looking, searching for that one man – my Soul’s Mate, my Twin Flame, my other half. The man who would see all of my flaws and love me anyway. The man who would complete me, heal me.

I thought I met that man. And in some ways I did. He was exactly what I needed at the time. I thought he was the “one.” He wasn’t. But I couldn’t see that because by then I had lost myself again, was trying my best to please him, was clinging to him as though he was my life’s blood, was living someone else’s life.

But as I started to realize that he wasn’t the one – which became even more apparent when he stole some of my things and fled to the arms of another woman – I realized something: I’m strong, much stronger than I thought. I’m brave, more courageous than a soldier facing battle. In fact, I am a Goddess in my own right. I always have been – I just buried that part of me on the inside, left her tucked away in a dark closet where no one would ever see her. For fear I might upset someone, cause someone pain, be judged. And all of those fears came true – I upset myself, I caused myself pain, and I judged myself harshly.

But that’s all in the past now. So my dear I need you to know this:

I’m finally coming home – to the me I was meant to be. And let me tell you something: she’s pretty awesome. I think you’ll like her.

She’s a little taller than me, wears her head held higher.

She’s a little more outlandish – it’s that purple streak in her hair and wildly colorful outfits that don’t always match.

She’s confident – in her abilities, her beauty, her intelligence, herself.

She doesn’t need a man to complete her or to give birth to prove her worth.

She sits high on her throne – not as a Princess waiting for her Prince, but as a Queen, sovereign in her own right. She rules with an iron fist and an open heart. She is wise, kind, and gentle, but cross her and you will know her wrath. Her judgment is swift, final, and absolute. Yet, she is very forgiving and compassionate and will give anyone a chance to prove their worth, their capability, their loyalty. You are truly innocent until proven guilty in her eyes. But those eyes – oh those eyes – they see into your soul. So don’t bother trying to hide from her because she Sees you. And she loves you anyway.

She is the one you’ve been waiting for.

 

If you could write yourself a letter, what would you tell yourself?

Communication is the Key: The Art of Self-Expression

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Key to my heartDo you know why my marriage failed? One reason – well maybe two:

  • I wasn’t true to me
  • My ex and I didn’t communicate

Yes, we had our once a year “are-we-going-to-stay-together-or-not” talks that bandaided us through for a few days, weeks or months, but it wasn’t enough.

I think lack of effective communication is a problem a lot of couples face, and one that I fully own up to as a problem I usually create for myself. Yet, it’s hard to be effective about communicating when you’re taught growing up that what everyone else thinks is more important than what you think. This goes doubly when you’re told by your ex that he doesn’t want to hear what you have to say.

So how do you learn to communicate effectively, get your point across, and your needs met?

This is something I am learning – and will share will you further in the upcoming Finding Your Voice ecourse – but here is what it boils down to for me:

  • Speak the same language – no, I’m not talking about English v. German. In truth, I’m not sure how to do this effectively all the time, but my point is that both parties need to feel heard and understood and not just by using “I” statements to parrot what the other person just said. I am talking about true understanding – and maybe some empathy thrown in for good measure.
  • If you can’t speak the same language yet, at least speak – let me give you an example of my not speaking when I should have and how remaining quiet didn’t help. J I broke down in tears Saturday night from emotional exhaustion (see my previous two blogs and you’ll get why) and my fabulous, wonderful man brought me a heating pad. It was a reasonable assumption that I might be crying because I was in physical pain. I had been complaining about short cycling again and cramping for the previous two days. But in the moment all I could think was, “You have no idea why I’m upset and this definitely isn’t the kind of pain a heating pad can fix.” I completely own up to the fact that it wasn’t his fault that he didn’t get it. He couldn’t as I neglected to communicate to him why I was upset in the first place.
  • Ask for help – when all else fails, ask for help – from someone with experience in whatever area you are struggling with or from the person you are having communication issues with. Believe me; it’s easier to communicate effectively when you’re asking for assistance rather than picking a fight. But, of course, that assumes that you actually know what you want and need so that you can ask someone for help to get that need/want met.

So what did I want/need in that moment? What I needed most of all was my man. His time; his undivided attention. It’s been a stressful month and we both have been lamenting that we need a weekend to just do nothing. So what set me off Saturday night? His contemplation of hosting ecstatic dance every weekend at a local yoga studio. So much for our weekend of doing nothing. And that hurt. Of course the worst part about it was my withdrawal, my ‘suffering in silence,’ my refusal to speak my truth. My man’s not a mind reader after all.

I finally emerged from the bathroom where I had retreated. We sat down and I expressed my concern. He assured me that it wasn’t decided yet – it was something they were considering, but that we didn’t have to be there every weekend, even if the group decided to host a dance every weekend. In less than a minute, I felt better. Had I only communicated my feelings to him in the first place, I might have avoided a breakdown. Who knows?

What I do know is this: Speak. Get your needs/wants out there. And no, it’s not selfish. No one is ever going to figure out what you need if you don’t tell them. So do yourself and everyone else a favor and speak your truth. I promise you’ll be one step closer to walking in your power and embracing the Goddess you are!

What do you do when you’re struggling to speak your truth? How do you handle it and get your point across? We’d love to hear your tips in the comments section below.

Everyday GODDESS: Stacey Martino

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stacey_martino_headshot

Stacey Martino helps people who feel stuck, frustrated and helpless with the challenges that intimate relationship brings. Stacey firmly believes that it absolutely does NOT take two to tango! Through targeted, strategic private coaching, programs and events for her Relationship Transformation System™, Stacey empowers you to transform your intimate relationship without your partner needing to participate!

Trained and certified by Tony Robbins and Cloe Madanes, Stacey is a certified marriage educator and divorce preventionist.

 

What does being an Everyday Goddess mean to you?

 

To me, being an everyday goddess means living fully as your best and most authentic self! Every day living more fully into who you really are. Stepping forward in courage and authenticity to be the unique, flawed and beautiful GIFT that you truly are on this planet. Am everyday goddess treasures that unique and flawed beauty in all people she encounters! That’s what makes her so magnetic and deliciously attractive to all who meet her!

 

At what age did you awaken to the presence of the Divine Feminine and would you describe it as a sudden awakening or a gentle unfolding?

Ironically, I was BORN as a Divine Feminine ray of sunshine! Every memory, every story, every picture of me displayed this so clearly! I was a bright and feminine force of nature. Isn’t it so interesting how as kids we often end up repressing our very special uniqueness to be more like what others want us to be? At some point along my journey, I made all of my divine feminine WRONG and shut down that part of me to become a different version of myself that ironically people called the “Ice Princess”.

It wasn’t until I was 37 years old that I had a divine awakening back into my authentic Divine Feminine. And I’ve been cultivating that authentic part of myself, boldly, ever since!

 

What roles in your life had to transform in order for you to live authentically?

 

Well, the truth is that I transformed massively. So everything that I touched transformed too! My relationships with family and friends, my work, my parenting and certainly my intimate relationship! For me, it was a progression as I became comfortable in my own skin. I felt safest to be fully present in my Divine Feminine first with just my husband and our children. Then as I got more confident, I expanded to my friends and family. The last was to bring my full authentic feminine energy into work (at the time I worked in a corporate environment). Today, every day I teach women how to open to their feminine energy. I still encourage women to take baby steps and make it a progression! Start where you feel the most safe and loved!

 

What have been some of the greatest inner gifts you’ve experienced since stepping into your feminine power?

Oh my, there are so many! Honestly, being ALL of who I am, all the time is the most freeing and delicious experience of life! Since every day I show up as my best and most authentic self, I am unapologetic for who I am every day! Life is a truly magnificent adventure when you see it through this lens!

In my amazing love affair with my husband Paul, my stepping fully into my feminine radiance has allowed him to deeply root himself in his mature masculine presence! There really are no words for how magnificent it is to be with a man who is rooted and immovable in his masculine. He protects me fiercely and clears a path for me to lead me to every goal, wish or dream I have in the world! I am able to live fully in my authentic divine feminine every day as I surrender to Paul’s masculine presence in our intimate relationship! We have created an unshakable love and unleashed passion that exceeds anything either of us every thought was possible to experience in life!!!!

 

Can you share some of your favorite sacred feminine rituals?

My feminine rituals are the things that bring me into my best and most authentic self, they are the things that make me divinely happy and open!! I love to use music, dancing, playing, laughing, being silly, reading, walking outside and gathering with the people I love in the world! With my husband, it’s super easy for me, my ritual is to surrender to him in his presence and delight in his strength, protection, navigation, leadership and ultimate dedication to my every desire!

 

Is there a particular Goddess that you are intimately drawn to and why?

Actually, the Goddesses that I am STRONGLY drawn to today are the Everyday Goddesses that I am blessed to have around me. Like you Mary Pritchard, Lisa Marie Rosati, Linda Joy, Fabienne Fredrickson, Mal Duane, Lorie Marrero, Tatyana Vroman, Sage Robbins and so many other beautiful Everyday Goddesses that I am blessed to surround myself with! Every one of these women is FIERCELY dedicated to being their best and most authentic self every day! Every woman who lives from that place inspires me and draws me in!

 

Is there a personal message that you would like to share with women?  

If there is ONE gift that I can share with you from my personal journey to my Divine Feminine, it’s that femininity is an energy of openness! That’s all it is ladies. It has nothing to do with your hair, your makeup or how you dress. It’s not the “idea” you have in your HEAD. And it’s NOT weakness. Feminine energy is your best and most authentic self stepping forward with courage and vulnerability to BE who you truly are….no matter what the “risk”! That is greatness and it takes tremendous STRENGTH! When you want to journey more into your Divine Feminine just ask yourself ONE question “How open do I feel?” (0-10). Anytime you feel “closed” in protection, withdrawing, punishing, or whatever that energy is for you, that is your masculine. When you feel truly OPEN in your energy, that is your Divine Feminine! You may have fear around opening into your feminine. Based on my journey, I can tell you…..it’s TOTALLY worth it! Be who you really are darling! That’s what we ALL want for you!

 

Learn More at:

http://loveandpassioncoach.com           

 

Our Everyday Goddess invites you to download her free gift:

How to Transform Your Relationship in 8 Steps!

 

Visit to Claim Your Gift:

http://relationshiptransformationsystem.com/freegift/

 

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Keeping Friendships Sacred

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friendsby guest contributer Kellie Stone

As a woman in my late forties, I’ve had many friends over the years—some closer than others but all important to my life in some way. I’ve seen some of those friendships flourish with time and also witnessed some crumble to the ground for no apparent reason. Well, there is a reason: Assuming, Predicting, and Projecting or APPs—three little, seemingly, harmless acts of ego that we, as modern day goddesses, should do everything to avoid. The tricky thing: they can hide amongst the most well-meaning and do-gooder scenarios; such as, religion, political agendas, parenting style, beauty and fashion style, and even health practices. Do you understand how forcing your assumptions, predictions, and projections onto others could send even the best friendships to the dump? If not, allow me to explain by first giving you a clear definition of the words themselves:

Assume: suppose to be the case, without proof.

Predict: say or estimate that (a specified thing) will happen in the future or will be a consequence of something.

Project: extend outward beyond something else; protrude.

Though, all three of these acts do have purpose and can even be useful, when it comes to relationships, they become a wrecking ball, destroying everything in its path. With all that I’ve experienced and how my life journey has unfolded, I’ve realized that people, not just Goddesses, deserve to be themselves without others deciding for them what will be, what looks best, what is the smartest, what won’t cause pain, what is pretty, what is ugly, what will bring love, what is right, and what is wrong. These examples are all ways that humans assume, predict, and project their ideals onto those around them, and you know what? We tend to do it the most with our closest friends and family because we somehow think that we have a right to. Though our intentions may be pure, it truly is a way to hurt the ones we love the most.

Being an authentic friend and having sacred relationships is one of the most divine experiences we can have as women. That said, understand, that in order for this to transpire, you may have to adjust some things about how you express your love and concern for others. I had a friend once who constantly projected phobias and dysfunction onto my life by saying things like “Kellie, I know you don’t do well with conflict.” or “You are way too sensitive.” or “That anxiety of yours will likely get in the way when you meet my friends.” And, creating an even worse division, I had a friend tell me that she was “concerned for my soul and that I was in spiritual danger” because I was posting material on my social media page that was outside of her religious beliefs. That pretty much told me that she felt I was wrong and that her “way” and being right was more important than our relationship. The fact is, we’ve all likely either been the projectors or the projectees at one time or another and, for this, we’ve experienced the painful detriment of our human connections.

What it boils down to is recognizing our ego and how it gets in the way of truth, love, and justice. The word sacred is usually used to describe something that pertains to God or holiness but can also refer to that which is considered worthy of deep respect or devotion, as in the case here while talking about friendships. I also happen to believe that the Divine and the Universe collectively act on our desires, purpose, and choices by bringing certain people and situations into our lives. This way of thinking allows me to see that all things are “sacred.” It’s when we reject others because of what they believe or how they live (their truth) that we may miss the lessons and growth meant for us. All things and people have purpose. Remembering, or at least considering, this helps us to bring more of our Goddessness to the table instead of our vexatious egos.

Even if you have been an assumer, predictor, or projector in the past, today is a new day! Let go of the need to be in control and to be right. Inspirational writer and speaker, Luminita Saviuc, said, “Be willing to give up your need to always control everything that happens to you and around you – situations, events, people, etc. Whether they are loved ones, coworkers, or just strangers you meet on the street – just allow them to be.” It’s hard to do sometimes but, in the end, the payoff for remaining indifferent about the affairs of others will bring a peace and harmony to your life that surpasses any “rightness” glory you could ever receive.

One other thing that has to be removed in order to secure long-term friendships is the talking about others behind their backs or gossiping. It seems like a pretty “duh” statement, but I am still made shockingly aware of how this tragedy occurs in everyday life, especially on social media. “She did this and he did that” is carelessly spread far and wide by women who just want to be right and have support while doing it. I get it. I’ve done it, too. We want to be “involved” in the lives of others, and it feels good to be right, but where do we draw the line? My therapist (yes, I have a therapist!) shared an awesome rule that she and her family have: If it’s not your story, don’t share it! I love this simple way in which to “draw the line” and be faithful to the highest version of you.

If we are to truly act on our deepest desire to be good friends, we must look closely at the root causes of the need to be in control and to communicate in a way that can repel and hurt others. Why do you think we assume things about our friends and family? Why do we share with uninvolved “others” our loved one’s stories and private information? Why do we predict how someone will negatively respond to a situation based on how he or she previously did, instead of believe the best of that person? These are tough questions that deserve an answer. I believe it is simple: We have hang-ups about our own lives and have not completely come into our authentic Goddess selves. We are not happy with some part of ourselves.

Being a modern day Goddess with satisfying, loving friendships doesn’t demand perfection or knowing it all, but it does require learning how to let go of that which does not serve. And, I guarantee, damaging your precious connections with ego-based acts does not serve anyone. The most sacred gift we can give ourselves is to know and understand what it is we truly desire from our lives and relationships. Who are you and why are you here? The answer to this question can seem elusive but, if you want to keep your relations with others pure and your heart uncluttered, you owe it to yourself to pursue it.

Building sacred friendships is about being the real you in everything you do. It’s about believing the best in people and realizing that they are on their own path, even though it may cross yours. Create a place in your heart for acceptance and forgiveness that covers yourself and others. Trying to change those in your life or forcing your ideals onto them will not bring positive energy to your existence. Exploring yourself on a deeper level and facing your shadows is the only way to express the Goddess within and to truly keep relationships safe and fulfilling.

For more on Kellie, go here.

Dance Like No One’s Watching: Lessons from A Year of Transformation

By | Goddess Wisdom, Wisdom Blog | 3 Comments

butterfly transformationI had coffee with a local magazine publisher and friend today.  She commented on how much I've changed in the last year. How my talks have become more authentic and real.

“It must be because you've finally realized you're an expert,” she said.

“No,” I said. “It has to do with me becoming me.”

Like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, the last year has been one of incredible transformation for me.

Fall 2013 was my hibernation period. Newly divorced, I was on crutches for 4 months followed by 6 weeks in a walking boot. Given my limited mobility, I dove into developing my on-line presence, blogging, launching two websites, and writing articles for magazines. I spent a great deal of time journaling, reflecting. But it wasn’t enough.

My Goddess Wisdom blog has always been a cleansing for me, a purging of whatever I am working through at the time of writing. And what I learned last Fall was that I am great at introspection and giving advice. I am not, however, so good at taking it – even my own. So while I wrote blogs about the lessons I was learning, the transformations I was experiencing, it was more from a third-party perspective. As though it didn’t apply to me.

And so, I did not heal. The Universe wanted me to start listening to and taking my own advice. It took me until January of 2014 to figure that out.

January 2014 was a turning point in my transformation. I was no longer dormant, but I wasn’t ready to emerge from my cocoon yet either. For 23 years I had been in denial about my eating disorder. It took a good friend getting in my face and confronting me about it for me to admit that I had a problem. Having learned in Fall 2013 that fighting against the Universe and ‘talking the talk’ doesn’t work nearly as well allowing and ‘walking the walk,’ I dove headfirst into recovery. I hired a therapist, psychiatrist, and nutritionist. And over the course of Spring 2014, they helped me put myself back together. Helped me realize that although I fell apart, shattered, in Fall of 2013, I had the choice of which pieces of my life – of me – I wanted to pick back up. And, most importantly, that I needed to take exquisite care of myself if I wanted to have the opportunity to choose.

About a month ago, I emerged from my cocoon. I’m not quite sure when it happened, what ultimately changed for me. But somewhere along the way I decided to give myself permission to be me. To stop trying to please everyone else and just be. To dance to the beat of a different drummer. And that everything would be okay. If people didn’t like the new me, then I’d wish them well and send them off with blessings. If what I said didn’t resonate with them, they could choose not to listen. That what other people thought about me really wasn’t my concern.

And when that happened, my world shifted on its axis. I started dancing again – my boyfriend introduced me to ecstatic dancing (it’s like clubbing without the alcohol and cheesy pick-up lines). I started belly dancing again. I learned how to revel in my amazing body, learned how sexy it could be. I stopped coloring my hair – grey stripe be damned. I started dressing to flaunt my assets instead of hiding them. I stopped trying to please everyone because ultimately the only person you can please is yourself.

And you know what happened? I started getting compliments on how real and natural I was. How I was so moving and passionate about what I do. About how watching my transformation had helped give other women the courage to do the same. I attracted a wonderful man in my life – someone so different from anyone I’ve ever known before – so refreshing. Someone who loves me for me and appreciates me for who I am rather than what I do. And I started loving my life again. All of it – every bump, hill, and valley.

Do I still have bad days? Of course! We all do. But now when the Universe nudges me, I laugh. I sing. I cry. I dance like no one’s watching. And I learn. Oh, how powerfully do I learn.

What have you learned this past year? Are you ready to emerge from your cocoon yet? Share your thoughts below.