I'm getting tired of the word “enough.” I'm pretty enough. I have enough. I do enough. I am enough. It's not that those things aren’t true, it's that the word “enough” still feels at the surface like something is lacking; like you have the bare minimum you need to get by. Just enough.
In fact, when you look up definitions and synonyms of the word “enough,” you get the word “adequate.” I guess that's the real problem: I'm tired of feeling adequate. I want to be more than adequate.
“Tired of trying to cram her sparkly star-shaped self into society’s beige square holes, she chose to embrace her ridiculous awesomeness and shine like the freaking supernova she is.”- Unknown
Yes, that’s it exactly. I lived most of my life feeling like I wasn’t good enough. Then several years ago I was journaling and I wrote the statement “I am enough” in my journal. Immediately the little voice inside my head (my inner critic) said, “No you aren’t. You’re broken and need fixing.” That day changed my life because I decided to confront my inner critic and figure out why she believed what she believed.
Although it may sound simple, it wasn’t. That day I embarked on a journey. I spent the next few years healing my “enoughness” issues, trying to convince myself that I was, in fact, enough. After all, at that point in my life, any day I felt like I was “enough” was a success. And maybe that’s where you are right now. If so, that’s awesome. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with that. After all, you have to feel like you are good enough before you can feel like a freaking supernova!
But what I’ve come to realize on my 2-month long retreat this summer is that
Granted this statement is the very statement that started the ball rolling for me, the statement that made me the woman I am today. That simple little statement, “I am enough,” made me confront my inner meal girl and challenge my long-held beliefs. For that, I am forever grateful. But, I feel like I’m now evolving into a new version of me.
I had a conversation with a good friend of mine a few weeks ago about labels and roles. We work so hard to get to a certain place in our lives, and sometimes once we arrive, it can feel stifling. For example, I’ve spent the past 20 years of my life conducting research on and teaching about body image and eating disorders. I am a Body Love expert. It’s what I do and I’m good at it. However, that doesn’t mean that is all I do. I also teach about self-love, self-trust, and self-care. I teach women how to become their own best friend instead of their own worst enemy. How to forgive themselves and others for past mis-takes. How to be Goddesses and Queens of their own lives. How to tune into the Wheel of the Year, the moon’s phases, and their body’s and the Earth’s cycles and rhythms. Am I a Body Love expert? Can I help you heal your Body Shame? Absolutely. But to say that I am a Body Love expert sometimes feels like saying “I am enough” because I am so much more than a Body Love expert. I am so much more than enough.
I fully admit that I am not 100% sure what is unfolding for me. At the beginning of the summer, I had a long talk with a Spiritual mentor and friend. I told her about my frustrations, that I felt like my “enoughness,” my current roles and labels were somehow limiting me. She told me, “I want you to put an empty cup on your altar, to represent that you are open to receiving what is next for you.” And so I did. Two months later, it still sits empty on my bedroom altar. I am beginning to get an inkling of what this unfolding will look like, but I also know that it’s not quite ready to birth itself yet.
So I’m waiting. I’m journaling, processing, allowing whatever wants to unfold to do so in its own time. This hasn’t been an easy process, mind you – I am still a recovering Type A control freak, so all of this uncertainty has been unsettling to say the least! But this has been a lesson in patience as much as it has been a lesson in breaking free of my own limiting beliefs.
What I do know is this: whatever is coming is going to be big. Life changing. It’s going to break me out of my rut. That’s both exciting and scary at the same time. But that’s okay. I’m allowing myself this summer retreat time to introspect, to incubate, to unbecome what no longer serves so I can become who I am meant to be. After all, I’ve got a ridiculously awesome shiny freaking supernova inside of me. And so do you.
This no so little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine…