Several months ago my therapist gave me a picture of a human puzzle. The idea was this: after I shattered last fall, fell apart, I got to decide which pieces of the puzzle I was going to pick back up.
The beauty of this was that:
I got to choose which pieces to pick up
I could choose to leave some, or all, of my pieces behind – like baggage you no longer need or want
I could design totally new pieces to create part or whole of the new me
I dutifully (and a bit anal-retentively) filled in each of the pieces with a word or phrase that described who I wanted to be. I chose words that symbolized my goals, things I wanted to be or do.
My therapist gave me the puzzle back last week and asked me to look it over and make changes where I deemed fit. As I looked over my puzzle, however, I realized that was the problem. I don't want to be a puzzle. I don't want to label pieces of me. It feels too restrictive, too forced. I want to be free to be me, as stable, yet ever-changing as I may be. I don't want to fit the whole of me inside a human puzzle ‘box'. I want to be free to flow, change, evolve. I know who I am at my core, but I don't want to have to put words to it.
I want to paint it, dance it, live it, be it, know it, but not necessarily have to describe it.
So who am I – right here in this moment?
Today I’m a bad-ass spelunking, sexy, rock star goddess, nurturer, mountain, lover, best friend you ever had, who loves to write, sing, paint, dance, be outside, go on road trips, spend time with my dog and with my man. I’m a poet, blogger, fashionista, raw dessert creatrix, yogi, new-awesome-Subaru-named-Athena owner, 40-year-old-in-a-16-year-old’s-hormonally-driven-body when I'm with my man. I flow, I speak, I love, I live, I create. In gratitude and with humility. I am blessed and a blessing. I am innocent and wise. I know nothing and everything I need to know all at once.
Who will I be tomorrow? Who knows? It doesn’t matter because I will be me and I will be happy – with or without a puzzle that tells me who I am.