I scattered my father’s ashes last Friday – Halloween. I felt the day was appropriate. On my way up the mountain, I realized something. As I carried the weight of my father to his final resting place, I grasped just how tired I am. I’ve carried my father’s weight, my mother’s weight, my ex-husband’s weight, my boyfriend’s weight, and the weight of just about anyone that ever needed anything. And what did it get me? Adrenal fatigue, which isn’t improving because I’m still carrying everyone else’s weight.
I’m not blaming anyone for this. It was my decision – consciously or not. It’s what I’ve been do-ing all my life. But I can’t keep doing this. Friday, I sat down my father’s weight. I sat down my mother’s weight; my ex’s; work’s; my boyfriend’s. I will no longer be carrying anyone’s weight – emotionally, mentally, physically, financially – aside from my own. I can’t.
I emerged from my father’s ashes with a new perspective. I pulled two cards after I scattered his ashes and asked him for his wisdom. The first card I pulled was Freya. The message was to unleash your adventurous side; take risks and be daring. This was Dad telling me to stop working so much and start enjoying my life. If there was one thing my Dad was really good at it was balance, segmenting his life. There was a time to work and a time to play and rest and chill out and just be. I’m fabulous at the former, but not at the latter. That was my call to action. Then I asked him how I was supposed to learn to be, to rest, to relax. I pulled the Nurture card from the Healing Deck: I support and protect those I care about. Though he meant it for me: I support and protect me because I care about me. Translation: I need to take care of me and focus on me so that I can learn to relax and unwind and actually have a little fun in my life.
As I write this, I asked the Goddess for guidance. I pulled Ostara, Goddess of Fertility: “It is the perfect time for you to start new projects, access new ideas, and give birth to new conditions.” Translation: it’s the perfect time to give birth to the new me, the Goddess Awakening to her true potential, to her ideal life. It’s time to speak my truth and walk in my power. My Healing card for the day only reinforced this: Grow: I enjoy every day as an opportunity to grow. This card is telling me not to be so hard on myself, to realize that everything that has happened, every decision I made brought me to this point. Without every single moment of sadness, every single moment of joy, anger, bitterness, resentment, love, disappointment, healing, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. Out of the ashes, I shall rise. But my rising is done in gentleness, in acceptance, in forgiveness instead of self-blame, self-criticism, self-judgment.
It’s not my job to take care of anyone else. I can barely take care of myself right now. And yes, I did this to myself. I own that and take full responsibility for my choices, but moving forward I am going to be making different choices – ones that honor me.
What burdens will you let go of today? What decisions will you make to honor you today? What ashes have you risen from?