Truth Be Told…

I am enoughFriday I found out that my ex-boyfriend is in a new relationship. This knowledge cut me to the core. A friend encouraged me to dig deep on why the knowledge that my ex is now in a relationship stings so much. The deeper I dove, the more I discovered how little it actually had to do with my ex and how much it had to do with me.

 

Truth be told: it's actually not my ex-boyfriend’s new relationship, it's the sting of rejection. My 21-year marriage ended over the fact that my ex-husband blamed me for my infertility, so I felt rejected by him because I have endometriosis and couldn’t bear him a child. When I met my ex-boyfriend, he was so awesome about making me feel whole and beautiful. There were other issues in that relationship, but my infertility was never one of them. But for some reason the knowledge that he is in a new relationship made me feel rejected once again. It brought up all of my insecurities around the fear that no one will want me because I can't have kids. I thought I had gotten over this – thought I had done all the healing I needed to do; apparently I have not. And I think it centers around this: it wasn't the rejection of me by my exes, it was the rejection of me by myself. So the sting I'm feeling is that I'm still rejecting myself because I don't feel like I am ‘enough'.

 

The irony is that the day I found out he was in a new relationship was the day after the launch of my new group program Perfect As You Are flopped big time. After 2 months of building and promoting this program, no one enrolled. Now I understand why: I can’t sell a program I don’t buy into myself. I truly thought I did. It’s not like I was leading everyone on. I have healed and am generally incredibly happy with who I am – just as I am. I do believe I am perfectly imperfect and I love me just as I am, or at least I thought I did…

 

After Friday blew up in my face, I decided to do some profound healing work this weekend. I took my own advice: I meditated. I journaled. I reached out to friends for support. I wrote myself a letter asking for my own forgiveness for my self-rejection. And I cried, oh how I cried. As I let the tears flow, I felt something shift inside of me: my ‘not enoughness’ began to feel whole again. Like maybe, just maybe, I really am enough – perfectly imperfect just as I am. That doesn’t mean that healing doesn’t need to occur – it still does.

 

And so I am taking some time to heal, taking it easy on myself as I process this latest life lesson. Allowing myself to move a little more slowly, and spend a lot more time outside. Allowing myself to just let the tears flow as they will. It’s a beautiful thing, really. This surrender. Because with each tear that falls, with each word I write, I know that I am becoming more congruent with me: the me I want to be, the woman I know in my core that I truly am. And

 

 

12 Comments

  • Peggy says:

    Powerful. Brave. Vulnerable. The way you see your infertility as the self rejecting self was exactly as I saw my cancer diagnosis. After being tossed aside by my first husband, even my own body began to reject me. I kind of sat with that for a while until I realized my body wasn’t rejecting me. It just needed me to wake up. Sending you ginormous hugs (((((((((((( <3 ))))))))))))

  • Dr Mary Pritchard says:

    Thank you, Peggy! Much love!

  • olivia munteanu says:

    Thank you for writing so well about the rejection of ourselves, so common in women.

  • Ann says:

    Sometime we think after changing, sole searching, counseling, and/or peer support. Then, something hits hard, home and we fall apart again. I have found through years of self help books, friendships, counseling and sole searching there is never a time when I am completely healed. We just have to continually dust ourselves off, and pick up the boot straps and move on. It hard, its ugly, we feel defeated and wonder why? Why me, what did I do? I am not a bad person. I still keep myself a distance from some, feeling I am not worthy of a good healthy relationship…because whao would want me…someone who has been so self defeating for do long. But who has finally risen above, accepted all self defeating and disbelief has begun to move on at age 58.5.
    You gave a career you love right? And a job you love oe at least like, you have reached farther and moved out of comfort zone, which is huge. But we have to continue to do so for the rest of our lives.
    It s not our relationship s that define us, our families, friends…I us who define us and the rest in just enrichment and soul to grow with.
    My does have been there for me through thick and thin, then unconditionally love me. We don’t even ever unconditionally love ourselves. We say we do, but we don’t. We are human we have flaws, some we can do something about and sonecwe can’t. Then we have to work really hard in excepting, and dealing with those times.
    There are lots of people who choose to or choose not too have children, there are some who can’t, but it doesn’t make you and more or less if a woman. Imagine some of the students you have had great impact upon, or woman who have completely had their purpose changed because if some enlightenment youbnay have sparked. Just remember there are many ways to give and give back. Or to be selfish. Or you can be the most amazing aunt in the world. Options are endless. Just don’t rush it. Take time and smell the roses as they say.

  • What a powerful post! Thank you for sharing this, Mary. You are a true model for so many of us with your vulnerability, authenticity and power to continue on your soul’s path to full self-expression. Much love to you. <3

  • Jean says:

    Wow, incredibly powerful. How courageous of you to share your sweet vulnerability. And ah yes, sometimes we just have to circle back around to truly heal on a deeper level. And I chuckle because we always seem to be surprised that we still have more work to do… I just say it is all an evolution, trying to be ok with where I am in every moment. But what I really just got was your willingness to share it with others leads to the possibility of more profound healing, hmmmm….I tend to hide out more to protect myself. Wow, something to really look at! Thank you!

  • What a powerful insight and profound healing gift. Thank you for sharing your beautiful radiant Self in all your rawness and vulnerability Mary. I so know the feeling and just went through deep healing experience myself after break up. And yep… everything that got triggered in me had squat all to do with him and was all about the ways I’d been getting in my own way, resisted surrendering. Aerate… the journey home within… Much love for you and big hug xxx

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